Why am I opening a Monthly Membership site?

I have been asked a few times recently if I have any photos of when I was bigger.
Yes…here they are!
I don’t often show them but I do sometimes mention in my videos that I used to be a lot bigger.

I wasn’t this heavy all the time…usually just after having children. I used to find it strange that I actually gained weight after having a child rather than lose it….I chose to ignore the fact that I was eating copious amounts of ice cream!

These photos were taken after having Nancy ,14 years ago. I was at my heaviest…but pretended that it didn’t bother me. I convinced myself that it was just baby weight and I would sort myself out.
I continued to eat a lot of ice cream.

I may look happy enough in these pictures…but I know how it feels to literally hate yourself. I did hate myself…I hated my body but I hated my mind more…for not having the self control to just stop stuffing my face.
I knew what to do…It used to really piss me off when I used to read that it’s a simple equation…you just need to eat less and move more to create that calorie deficit…and you will lose weight/fat.
I KNEW that…I just didn’t want to do it. At that time…it wasn’t even a case of that I couldn’t be arsed…I simple didn’t want to. It felt too much of an uphill struggle. I hated the way my body felt when I tried to move it. I hated the way I hated myself.
Every time I walked past a mirror…that nasty little voice would say ‘fat bitch!’…EVERY TIME!!
I used to go to bed most nights with my health magazines and a big family size bar of Galaxy!
I used to promise myself that tomorrow would be different…but it never was.

I rarely went out because I no longer had a range of clothes to choose from. I had a couple of ‘that will have to do’ outfits. It saddened me that I was starting to live a ‘that will have to do’ life!
I continued to eat Ice cream…I continued to hate myself…I didn’t exercise…I felt fat, ugly and useless…I was fat, ugly and useless.

I could write a book now on how I got from there to where I am now (oh I am doing!) but this is not for this post. Its just to give you a heads up on why I want to create my membership site.

A lot of you may know that 3 years ago I started to suffer with depression. We were going through a huge financial crisis. I know, I said to myself and still do that I felt lucky that it wasn’t a life threatening illness and no one had died..but when you are in the thick of it..it makes not a bit of difference. You feel you may as well be dead. If you have had depression…I am sure you will be able to understand.

We (my brother and I) had built up a decent property portfolio…It was to be our pension. We bought a large property to renovate into luxury flats…it was going to be the game changer…but then the recession hit. Without question, the bank pulled their funding and left us high and dry.

What followed was several years of untold stress and fear. I didn’t cope well. I started to drink more…I started to drink far too much. Drinking 2 bottles of wine 4 nights a week became the done thing. It helped me cope…or so I thought it did. It was a relief just to ‘forget’ about it for a few hours. The trouble is it also made me forget about everything else that needed doing….emails, work stuff and the children’s tea. Every evening, when I drank, I allowed myself a little bit of fake happiness…it was a relief…a relief that I came to rely on. I didn’t really think of it as an issue as drinking every night was common place for a lot of people…and I gave myself at least 2 days off!

After plenty of house visits from Bailiffs and Gangsters..(yes really!) we were finally declared bankrupt in June 2016. We lost everything…all our properties, pension funds and any self respect I had left. The only reason we didn’t lose our home is because it was in negative equity. We were not allowed credit, a cheque book or an overdraft. We had to change the way we lived our lives dramatically.

An experience like this really does make you see the value of money very differently…I remember the gratitude I felt when we could start filling up the fruit bowl again. I also remember feeling such an utterly useless parent when my eldest son was refused his Student bank account because of our now very poor credit rating…I will always remember the way he comforted me with his giant hands in the middle of the high street as I broke down in tears…not caring who was looking.

I put on two stone…of the four stone I had lost a few years ago. I stopped exercising, apart from the half arsed spinning classes I had to teach. I continued to drink.

During this period, I started to spend more and more time in bed…I just wouldn’t get up…and If I did manage to get up in the mornings…I went back to bed in the afternoon…and stayed there. It just felt the safest place.I was able to ignore the phone, the dreaded post landing on the mat and the doorbell. (I still fear those three things!) I got up to eat and drink wine in the evenings. This was becoming my life…I hated it and I hated myself…again.

I was becoming aware that things had to change, they needed to change. I couldn’t possibly carry on like this. A visit to the doctors and a prescription for anti-depressants followed.
I just didn’t want to take them…a personal choice, I have nothing against them. I knew what I needed to do…I needed to start moving…I just couldn’t be arsed..I had no motivation or feeling of self worth.

I had a choice…and I made it…anti depressants or get my body out of bed and get it moving again. I had made a deal with myself that if it didn’t work..I would take the pills.
I needed an incentive…so most of you will probably know by now (I have bragged about it often enough!!) I signed up to do Bolton IRONMAN in 2016.

It worked..I needed something that felt physically impossible…something that would force me out of bed to get exercising again….something that I couldn’t just wing it with minimum training…it had to be IRONMAN. (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and a full Marathon of 26.2 miles)
The week I had to go to the Official Receivers and go through all the bankruptcy stuff was just awful. It is a humiliating and shameful experience…I remember it was a Tuesday…Ironically, and such a massive contrast, on the Sunday that week, I crossed the finish line of Bolton IRONMAN in 17 hours and 12 minutes!
Even writing this brings tears to my eyes.

It dd the trick, my depression had started to lift…I never did take the pills. I did, however, continue to drink all through my IRONMAN training…although not quite as much.
I wanted to cut down further….I felt it was the last thing holding me back.
I signed up to a 30 day alcohol free challenge with One Year No Beer…that was 429 days ago (just checked the app!)
I have learnt so much…so much that I just didn’t expect.

I have never spoken about the bankruptcy before on here. I used to feel dreadful shame and I didn’t want anyone to know. I used to feel guilt at earning even a very small wage when we had owed so much money. That shame and guilt has such a negative effect on your self esteem and your self worth. It becomes impossible to love yourself never mind even like yourself. This used to manifest for me in eating crap and drinking too much.

I have had to do a lot of work on myself to let go of that guilt and shame. It was really holding me back from doing anything with my life. I have finally given myself permission to earn a living again without guilt.

I can now look back on all of this and find gratitude..and really be thankful. I am so much more grateful…for everything in my life. I don’t want to waste it. I don’t want to waste it hating myself and feeling shit and worrying what other people think of me. I used to lose sleep over this.

A very dear friend often tells me that you can be the ripest, juiciest peach but some people just don’t like peaches. This simple sentence has helped more than she will ever know.
I no longer assume, take things personally or bitch about others…or anything if i can help it (I would like to point out that all this is a work in progress and sometimes its easy to slip back into old habits)

The thing I am most grateful for though is the job that I am doing now. This. If all the properties had gone according to plan…we would have paid the mortgage off by now and would be living very comfortably.

It is hard to accept that I would NOT be doing the job I am now. I would not have run my 3 day retreats over the last 3 years (something I am very proud of, that I managed to start them and keep them going while going through this experience)

I would not be running my first retreat abroad this August.

I would not have my Facebook page and group and I would certainly not be setting up my membership site.

What shocks me about this is that I would not have met all the amazing people who have come to my retreats. I have made some wonderful friends…a lot of them I haven’t even met!
I wouldn’t have had the privilege to be part of peoples transformations and the fact that they let me into their lives.

I can’t tell you how much pleasure I get from seeing you all get some sort of benefit. And to be involved, even in a small way in your quest to self improvement is just amazing.

I have spent the last 10 months on a learning mission. I have been to London several times on social media courses. I have got myself a local Business coach who has been invaluable in her support and guidance…and I am learning a lot about myself as I have enrolled with a wonderful personal coach and he is really helping me to keep seeing all the positives in this. I want to pass what I have learned on…I think I knew a lot of it anyway…I just said it differently!!

Back to the question…Why do I want to set up my monthly membership site?

I know what it feels like to feel shit about yourself.
I know how debilitating it can be when those feelings are left to manifest.
I know how it feels to constantly have that voice telling yourself that you are useless.
I know what it is like to be overweight and feel like you are not capable of making any positive change.
I know how futile it feels to be stuck in a cycle of drinking too much
I know how it feels to be unfit and to worry what others think about you.
I know what a waste of time it is going form one mad diet to another…starving yourself or bingeing because you have given up…again.

Look, I am not a qualified life coach and I am not a Level 3 personal trainer. There are plenty of those around. They could no doubt help give you the body you think you want…but at what cost and for how long?

My aim is NOT to give you an arse that would be worthy of its own Instagram profile…but I would love to give you an arse that you can love…NOT because your arse has changed…but because YOU have changed…and the way you think about it…the way you think about yourself.

Yes, there will be plenty of exercise videos and fitness challenges in the members only area of the website…but…
I want to create that DESIRE and MOTIVATION for you to WANT to do it.
I will do that by showing up LIVE for you a few times a week in the private Facebook group called Motivate To Make Change TRIBE.
I will be myself as always…however that is on the day!
I will always try to be motivational and encouraging.
I will support you but sometimes I will call you out.
I will make you laugh and no doubt I will also cry.
I will read some inspiring passages that will really make you think throughout the day.
I want you to be accountable to me and the rest of the group.
I want you to find your own way…no matter what that is or how many things you try.
I want you to feel you can join in as much as you want..or you can observe in silence..whatever works for you.
I want you to feel you can share your successes and failures if you wish to.
I want you to be proud and love yourself.
This is not a 12 week plan. This is not a diet.
This is for life.
Life has its ups and downs and thats what makes it. It is how we choose to deal with those ups and downs that make the difference.
It is the small daily changes that add up to make the biggest long term difference.
It is our awareness of our behaviour that forces change. Most of us just aren’t even aware anymore….and if we are we just don’t know how to change…it makes us feel stuck.
Oh and if you choose to do the exercises, you will of course get fitter, leaner and stronger…but that will just be the bonus!

I KNOW THIS WORKS. I have tried it 3 times in 3 separate accountability groups…but they only ran for 28 days and then finished.
This is going to run continuously, every month.
Imagine the momentum for change we can create?
Imagine the teamwork and supportive environment we can build?
Imagine the lasting results you can create for yourself?

I want to create a relaxed, happy supportive atmosphere for everyone to meet as often as they want. I will always be around. Imagine it like a virtual retreat…you can call in as often or as little as you like…and you don’t even have to do all the classes!

Thanks for reading if you got to the end..I hope you don’t mind me sharing with you. I just hope it goes some way to explaining why I want to create this membership site and my passion behind it.

Hope to see you in the TRIBE!

If you happen to know anyone who could benefit from this post or membership group…then please SHARE THE SHIT out of this post! As always I would appreciate it very much.

Lots of love and forever grateful to you all,


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